two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
