I think I won the penis lottery.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
