you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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