Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
this boner is exhausting
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
