i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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