New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
