I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
