She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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