It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
