Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
