I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
