upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
