I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
