I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
