i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
