Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
