Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
