Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
