You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
