That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
