Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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