I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
