man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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