I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Randomize
