So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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