I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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