My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
