i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
God, I missed his penis.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
