I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
