i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
