I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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