We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
