I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
