never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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