Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
