if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
