So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
