Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
