My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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