i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
