It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
