Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
