I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
