When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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