It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
