When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
