I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
