So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
