ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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