I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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